Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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