He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
