you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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