i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
