i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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