just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
No more Irish car bombs ever.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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