I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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