she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
