Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
