Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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