i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
