If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
