I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
