just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
