dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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