I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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