He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
