got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
