everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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