in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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