Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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