apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
