You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
