Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
