4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
