The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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