my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
