I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
