You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
love makes seman taste better
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
