i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I love you.
Bad choice
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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