Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
