You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
3 2 1 whiskey
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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