You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Damn victory sex feels great
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
