So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
