Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Dicks are not precious.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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