What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
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Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
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Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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