Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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