Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
