I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
