i robbed the continental breakfast last night
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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