Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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