Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
