Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
