so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
