Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
