why im i the only drunk person in the library?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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