Moan for me like Helen Keller
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize