glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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