Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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