I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize