Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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