Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
