sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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