Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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