She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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