my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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