I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
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My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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