she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
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Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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